Counseling

How to emotionally support someone

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We often aren’t sure how to support those we love and care about. We try to give advice or offer fixes for people, however that’s usually not what they want or need. Sometimes they just want some support. I’ve come up with a few short points that may help you be better prepared to support the important people in your life.

When someone shares their feelings with you, follow the steps below and note the positive changes in your relationships.

  1. Affirm – “Thank you for sharing your feelings. I appreciate your honesty and transparency.”
  2. Reflect – “What I’m hearing you say is…. Is that correct? or “Please help me understand, do you mind if I ask questions?” or “Could you help me see things from your perspective by explaining further?
  3. Validate – “I see that you’re really struggling with that.” or “That sounds really difficult.”
  4. Be accountable (if it’s a conflict) – “I realize that my behavior (name the behavior) has affected you (reflect what they shared of how it affected them).”
    • Redeem – “In what ways could I change my behavior so this doesn’t happen again?”
  5. Respond – “Do you know what you need from me?” or “How can I be helpful to you?”
  6. Keep the focus on the other person, not on yourself.

Suicide

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If you or someone you know is having suicidal ideation or contemplation, please go to your nearest medical facility or contact the Suicide Crisis Lifeline by texting or calling 988.

If you hear anyone mention that they are having any type of suicidal thoughts or ideation, please take them to the nearest medical facility and call their closest relative to check on them, or call the police and request a welfare check.

Risk factors:

  • Mental disorders, particularly mood disorders, schizophrenia, anxiety disorders, and certain personality disorders
  • Alcohol and other substance use disorders
  • Hopelessness
  • Impulsive and/or aggressive tendencies
  • History of trauma or abuse
  • Major physical illnesses
  • Previous suicide attempt(s)
  • Family history of suicide
  • Job or financial loss
  • Loss of relationship(s)
  • Easy access to lethal means
  • Local clusters of suicide
  • Lack of social support and sense of isolation
  • Stigma associated with asking for help
  • Lack of healthcare, especially mental health and substance abuse treatment
  • Cultural and religious beliefs, such as the belief that suicide is a noble resolution of a personal dilemma
  • Exposure to others who have died by suicide (in real life or via the media and Internet)

Warning signs:

  • Talking about wanting to die or to kill themselves
  • Looking for a way to kill themselves, like searching online or buying a gun
  • Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live
  • Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain
  • Talking about being a burden to others
  • Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs
  • Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly
  • Sleeping too little or too much
  • Withdrawing or isolating themselves
  • Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge
  • Extreme mood swings

We never know what someone is struggling with, so let’s all make efforts to help prevent suicide.

In memory of Mara.

The Ego

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Oftentimes we think of the ego as something that allows for superiority, however that is not really accurate. “The ego is that part of yourself that is rooted in fear, guilt, shame, and grandiosity and is directly at odds with your true self “(Gibson, 2000). In truth, the mission of the ego is counter to finding contentment in our lives. The ego is that voice that keeps us questioning our value, worth, confidence, and capabilities.

The ego is not only innate to humans, it also develops through our early childhood experiences. Ego thoughts don’t come from our inner voice as we may think. The ego voice comes from childhood authority figures. The ego is also not our conscience as the conscience is the inner voice that helps us determine between right and wrong. The ego fears rejection and believes it knows all. The ego deludes us into beliefs that are contrary to truth.

Messages the ego tells us:

  • The ego encourages worry and indecisiveness.
  • The ego tells us that perfection is the only way.
  • The ego magnifies every negative emotions which leaves us overwhelmed and exhausted.
  • The ego encourages us to blame others.
  • The ego tells us not to trust anyone.
  • The ego encourages us to be suspicious of everyone.
  • The ego tells us that we have to be competitive and envious.
  • The ego encourages us to believe that when things become hard we should quit.
  • The ego tells us to second guess our decisions.
  • The go wants us to feel guilty about everything.
  • The ego will make us believe that good things are too good to be true.
  • The ego discourages us from following our dreams.
  • The ego discourages us from trusting ourselves to know our limits.
  • The ego delights when we are too hard on ourselves.

In order to manage the ego, we have to recognize where that inner voice is coming from. I often ask, “who made you feel that way?” as a device to help us recognize where the origin of those thoughts come from. Again, it’s usually an authority figure from our past who may have said something similar and our ego is repeating it, or gave us unspoken messages that led us to believe some of those things.

By exploring your past, you get to know your ego and what to expect from it. When your ego gives you false information, rationalize what it is telling you and speak out loud to it in your most assertive voice. Argue with your ego in a logical and rational way that allows you to believe in yourself and speak out the ego’s flaws. Ask yourself how you want to feel and express that to your ego. The best way to overcome your ego is to be assertive and take a stand against the flawed messages it’s saying to you. If your ego tells you to be afraid, then finding reasons to be courageous. Choosing the opposing action from the ego and trusting your own voice is often helpful. Reinforce what you know to be true by seeing out support from trusted friends and family members.

You can overcome your ego!

Resources:

Gibson, L. (2000). Who you were meant to be.

Twogether in Texas

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We are proud to announce that Stacy Hixon is now a registered provider for the Twogether in Texas program. This program is 8 hours total and allows a couple to get a discount of $60.00 on their Texas marriage license with a signed certificate of completion. Please click on our page to register or inquire.

Who needs counseling?

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So many people are misinformed about counseling, what it is and who needs it. IF YOU ARE HUMAN, YOU NEED COUNSELING. PERIOD.

Counseling is for any human who experiences a challenge, wants to heal trauma, wants to grow, wants to manage a mental health condition, is stuck in a rut, wants to better their communication, conflict resolution, or wants to learn to set boundaries among just a few reasons.

What is counseling? It’s a neutral space where there’s understanding, no judgment, validation, guidance, and empathy. Think of a counselor as your own personal support person, like a personal trainer for your life instead of just for working out. The person who is in your corner, who walks beside you, who challenges you, does so in an environment that’s completely yours and entirely safe.

I have been in and out of therapy since I was 11 years old. I LOVE going to therapy! It’s the safest space I have ever encountered. Not all therapists are the same, so it’s imperative to find one who jives with your personality and needs. Sometimes it takes talking to a few different licensed professional counselors, licensed marriage and family counselor or licensed clinical social worker to find a good fit for you, however sometimes it happens on the first try. I’m of the mind that if I’m not the right fit for you, I’m happy to help you find another counselor who is a better fit. I just want people to get the help they need.

Try to remember that therapy only works as well as you are willing to work hard. You get what you put into it. If you want a place to just complain, then that may not be the best reason to go to therapy. Therapy isn’t a set number of sessions per problem. It depends on what you want to achieve. Most people should be in and out of therapy throughout their entire lives. We often go to therapy for one issue and then find there are others to work through. Therapy may take months to years and there is a unique plan for everyone. It’s best not to compare your therapy experience to that of another person as each experience is very individualized.

If you have questions about therapy, please feel free to leave them in the comment section!

Insecurity

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The majority of people have insecurities. Those insecurities are most likely rooted in our life experiences from those with our families to other experiences throughout life. If we didn’t receive the support and praise we needed as children, we often grow up feeling insecure. In addition, if we experience any verbal abuse, bullying, or other negative experiences, this has a great impact on the way we perceive ourselves. Other things that may make us feel insecure is the way we’ve been conditioned to believe by society. The following questions have been created to help us work through some of our insecurities.

  • Think about something that makes you feel insecure.
  • Why do you think this is an insecurity?
  • Think back, way back to an experience you had related to your insecurity.
  • What are things that trigger this insecurity?
  • Is any of what you believe about this insecurity true?
  • What are some things that someone has told you about your insecurities?
  • Is there any evidence to support these things?
  • What would make you feel differently about this insecurity?
  • What is something that makes you feel less insecure about this thing?
  • What is something you can focus on instead that makes you feel more secure?
  • What are some affirmations you can write down to overcome this insecurity?
  • How can you change your mindset to focus on your securities instead of insecurities?

Work through the steps every time you feel insecure and see what happens!