By Stacy Hixon, MA, LPC-S, CCTP, FRTP, Clinical Director

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When Other People’s Feelings Feel Scary

For many of us, when someone tells us about their feelings, for various reasons, we often feel responsible for them. We may get defensive if we think we have done something wrong, or we blame ourselves for how the other person is feeling. We may feel avoidant if we cannot fix the problem or if we do not know what to say. Sometimes, another person’s emotions can make us feel uncomfortable because we immediately start thinking about what their feelings mean about us.

The thing is, feelings are not right or wrong, and they are not good or bad. Feelings are simply part of someone’s experience. When someone shares their feelings with us, it does not mean they are blaming us, asking us to fix something, or telling us we are a bad person. Most often, they are simply wanting to feel heard.

This is where many conversations start to go sideways. Someone says they felt hurt, disappointed, left out, frustrated, or misunderstood, and instead of focusing on what they are trying to communicate, we start explaining ourselves. We may talk about what we meant, why we did what we did, or why they should not feel that way. Even when our intentions are good, the other person may walk away feeling like we never really heard them.

Validation can be helpful in these situations, but validation is often misunderstood. Validating someone does not mean agreeing with everything they are saying or taking responsibility for something that is not ours. It means acknowledging that their experience is real to them. We can say something such as, “I can understand why that felt hurtful,” or, “It sounds like you felt really alone in that situation.” We are not saying that their interpretation is the only interpretation. We are simply showing them that we are listening.

We can also reflect back what we are hearing before responding. This gives the other person an opportunity to clarify what they mean and can help prevent us from making assumptions. If someone says they were upset because we did not call them back, for example, we might say, “It sounds like when I did not call you back, you felt like I was not thinking about you.” That gives them a chance to say whether that is actually what they meant.

Another important part of these conversations is recognizing that we do not always have to fix the problem. This can be especially difficult for people who are used to taking care of others or trying to keep everyone happy. If someone we care about is upset, we may immediately start looking for a solution because we want the uncomfortable feeling to go away. Sometimes, however, the person does not need a solution. They may just need us to sit with them for a moment.

One of the simplest things we can do is ask what they need. We can ask, “Do you want me to just listen, do you want comfort, or do you want help figuring out what to do?” Asking removes some of the pressure from both people. We do not have to guess what they need, and they have an opportunity to tell us.

There are also times when someone’s feelings are related to something we did. Even then, listening does not mean we have to immediately become defensive or ashamed. It is possible to acknowledge that something we did affected another person even if that was not our intention. We can say, “I did not mean for that to hurt you, but I can understand that it did.” Intent and impact are not always the same thing, and understanding the impact of our behavior can be part of having healthy relationships.

At the same time, we do not need to take responsibility for every feeling another person has. People respond to situations based on their own history, expectations, fears, stress, relationships, and previous experiences. Their feelings are real, but that does not automatically mean we caused them or that we are responsible for making them go away.

Learning to tolerate other people’s emotions can be uncomfortable, especially if we grew up in an environment where conflict was avoided, emotions were not talked about, or we felt responsible for keeping other people happy. It can take practice to stay present when someone is disappointed, angry, hurt, or sad without immediately trying to defend ourselves or make the feeling disappear.

Healthy communication is not about making sure no one ever feels uncomfortable. It is about being able to talk about difficult things without automatically turning the conversation into an argument about who is right, who is wrong, or who is to blame.

Sometimes the best thing we can do when someone shares their feelings is simply listen, reflect back what we are hearing, validate their experience, and ask what they need from us. Their feelings do not have to become our feelings, and we do not have to take responsibility for every emotion in the room.

Maybe one of the scarier parts of relationships is learning that someone can be upset with us, disappointed in us, or simply have a different experience than we did, and we can still be okay.

If you or someone you know is struggling with trauma, anxiety, relationships, emotional regulation, or simply feeling overwhelmed, we are here to help. Visit our team or schedule a consultation.