Emotional regulation is the ability to notice and understand your emotions. It also involves managing them so they do not control your behavior or decisions.
It involves pausing, tolerating emotional discomfort, and responding in a thoughtful way rather than reacting impulsively.
Most people delay thinking about implementing emotional regulation skills. They wait until they are in crisis. They often reach a stress level of 10 before considering these skills. Before they realize it though, they are back in crisis again when the next wave of stress hits.
Emotional regulation skills work most effectively when we practice them consistently. It’s like strengthening a muscle. We have to learn to work out the brain’s ability to pause, regulate and respond rather than react. Our nervous system learns through repetition.
When we practice emotional regulation several times a day, we learn to feel calm and emotionally stable consistently. Practicing during neutral and positive moments allows our brain to learn to process without the pressure of intense emotions. Over time, this repetition ingrains the skills as second nature. We can then use them when we’re feeling stressed, angry, anxious, or experiencing a plethora of other difficult emotions.
Guidelines for Emotional Regulation:
- Practice at least 3 times a day and then every time you feel stressed or difficult emotions throughout the day.
- Spend about 5 minutes practicing in the morning when you awaken, at lunch and then before bed.
- Be patient with the process. Emotional regulation is a skill that develops over time through repetition.
- The goal is to make the tools automatic responses when difficult emotions arise.
If emotional regulation is only practiced during times of emotional crisis, it may not work at all. It might not be as effective. Regular practice trains the mind and nervous system to use these strategies naturally when we are feeling dysregulated.
Below are a list of emotional regulation skills. We suggest choosing 2 at a time to alternate practicing for a week at a time. You may switch the following week to try different ones and see which ones you like the best.
- Box breathing
Inhale 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds, exhale 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds. Repeat several cycles to calm the nervous system. - 5-4-3-2-1 grounding
Identify 5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste. - Name the emotion
Pause and label the feeling precisely. Example: frustrated, ashamed, overwhelmed. - Temperature change
Splash cold water on the face. Alternatively, hold a cold pack to activate the dive reflex. This will lower emotional intensity. - Opposite action
Do the behavioral opposite of the emotional urge when the emotion is not justified by the situation. - Cognitive reframe
Identify the automatic thought and generate at least two alternative explanations. - Progressive muscle relaxation
Systematically tense and release muscle groups from head to toe. - Body movement discharge
Brief physical activity such as walking, stretching, or shaking out tension. - Self soothing through senses
Use sensory input such as music, scent, texture, or warmth to calm the nervous system. - Urge surfing
Observe emotional urges like waves that rise, peak, and fall without acting on them. - Emotion intensity scaling
Rate the emotion from 0 to 10 to create psychological distance and track reduction. - Mindful breathing
Focus attention only on the breath moving in and out. - Thought defusion
Observe thoughts as mental events rather than facts. - Radical acceptance
Acknowledge reality as it is without fighting it internally. - Containment visualization
Mentally place distressing thoughts into a container to revisit later. - Self validation
Acknowledge that the emotion makes sense given the situation or past experiences. - Delay response
Wait 10 to 20 minutes before responding to a triggering situation. - Values check
Ask: what action here aligns with the person I want to be. - Safe person contact
Reach out to a trusted individual for grounding conversation. - Compassionate self talk
Speak internally as one would to a respected friend who is struggling.
