growth

Counselors Are Humans Too!

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As a counselor it’s so much easier to look at other people’s lives and make suggestions, guide them, and counsel them. It’s so much more difficult to look at myself and my own life and know how to navigate the things that I never learned how to recognize, cope with and work through when growing up.

While counseling is an emotional journey, I do not have any control of what my clients choose and how they choose to do it. My time with clients is impermanent. I will be with them for a short time in their life journey. I only hope that I have shared with them enough tools and they have been able to process and recover enough so they can thrive until they get to the next stop where they survive until they learn to thrive once again. We’re all mostly thriving and then surviving then thriving and the cycle continues throughout the life span.

I remember my counselor, Pat, when I was 14. I thought she was absolutely perfect and had it all together. Her daughter went to high school with my sister and was pretty and popular. Pat’s husband owned a local family business and they were what I perceived as “rich”. Pat was pretty and gentle, soft spoken, and listened a little too well, mostly not saying much at all. Pat was my first female counselor and what I didn’t realize at the time was that it wasn’t that Pat was perfect, it was that I needed a female counselor because I wasn’t comfortable talking to a male counselor from ages 11 to 14. I also didn’t realize, until I became a counselor myself, how many people think that counselors have everything together. The truth is -> WE DON’T -> we’re still trying to figure out how to thrive and survive outside of the womb, too.

I have been in and out of counseling from the age of 11 and I’m still going. I will always go to counseling because every day I learn something new about myself, and it’s not usually something that’s delightful, however instead it’s something I needed to know to continue evolving as a human.

I usually learn from something I’ve done to traumatize my now 24 year old daughter. She’ll tell me a struggle she’s having and in the past I have not responded well. I’ve only recently realized how defensive I get because my daughter is the ONLY person in the whole world that I would care if she rejected me. That’s a great fear of mine because I have rejection/abandonment trauma. I also start to reject myself when she’s struggling because of – yep, you guessed it -> trauma! My own unhealed trauma has traumatized my daughter. Some people call it generational trauma, generational curses, whatever label you want to slap on it. It’s there and it will exist until we choose to try to stop the cycle from continuing.

The other day I recognized how much I was suppressing. Here all of these years I thought I was doing so well. Nope. I’ve been suppressing. Trauma recovering (unfortunately we don’t escape life without trauma) is a cycle of starting at the top and peeling back layers at different times in our lives until we die. It’s a lifelong experience and while I am better at it today than I was 30 years ago, 40 years ago, or 50 years ago, I’m still learning and I’m still evolving because counselors are human, too.

Accountability

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One of the most important facets of therapy is accountability. What is the definition of accountability? “The willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions,” (Merriam Webster Dictionary, 2024).

It is imperative that we hold ourselves accountable in therapy to grow, heal, recover and change. When we don’t hold ourselves accountable, we end up blaming others, being stuck, or possibly getting depressed, anxious, stressed and being miserable.

How do we hold ourselves accountable?

  • Having an open mindset for taking a critical look at ourselves and being willing to accept things that we may not like.
  • Acknowledging, accepting and admitting that we are the only person responsible for our actions and choices.
  • Being receptive instead of reactive or defensive to taking feedback and correction from the way others experience our behavior and choices.
  • Focusing on our own behaviors and choices instead of blaming others or making excuses for what we choose.
  • Keeping a record of what we need to change and how we want to change it.
  • Having an accountability partner, most likely our therapist, however it could be someone we trust, feel emotionally safe to be vulnerable with, and can remain neutral.
  • Setting boundaries with ourselves and for ourselves with others.
  • Eliminate stonewalling, criticism and contempt toward others.
  • Journaling out our anger and other difficult feelings to overcome resentment and bitterness.
  • Accepting the things we may not like about ourselves and being willing to change them.
  • Accepting that we’ve made mistakes and we will continue to make mistakes.
  • Eliminate judgement of ourselves and others, which will allow us to not feel guilty or shameful.
  • Being able to admit and apologize when we have done something to hurt others even if we didn’t intend to do so.
  • Setting goals for change.
  • Balance our shortcomings with our strengths.
  • Counting our blessings or gratitudes each day.
  • Taking in healthy and helpful information instead of looking at negative content on social media, movies, TV shows, the news and conversations.
  • Building a support network and community of healthy people who we enjoy doing healthy activities with and engaging in healthy relationships with.
  • Practicing self-care that is healthy and helpful.

Ultimately, holding ourselves accountable and choosing to change is the path that leads to purpose and contentment. “Accountability feels like an attack when you’re not ready to acknowledge how your behavior is harmful.” – Unknown

Personal Growth Challenge

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I have a client who inspired me to start a personal challenge. This client is always challenging themselves in various ways. I think that is a spectacular way to grow. So, instead of setting goals for the New Year, I’m going to continue with my personal growth challenge.

I started my personal challenge on September 1st. I decided I would challenge myself for 30 days and see what happened. My challenge consisted of:

  1. Exercising 2-3 times a week. which is realistic for me. I knew if I told myself I had to exercise 5-7 times a week, I would quit because that seems insurmountable at where I was.
  2. I also decided to start eating vegan 3 times a week. I ordered 3 meals per week from Sprinly. Their food is really tasty and filling.
  3. I also decided I would read 10 minutes a day. The book I chose is, “Who you were meant to be” by Lindsay Gibson.
  4. My final task was to practice my skincare routine 5 times a week. I get bored with monotonous tasks, so 5 times/week was reasonable for me.

What I learned from this challenge is that I enjoy vegan food, however I get bored of food easily, so although there are a variety of meal options, after about 6 weeks, I was bored of Sprinly.

I enjoy using the rowing machine. We purchased a Concept II rower as I hate going to the gym. I do better if I have something to watch on TV while I am rowing because I can get bored.

Reading 10 minutes a day was easy as I often found myself reading beyond that. The book I chose is really good and I would recommend it to everyone!

Finally, my skincare routine worked out well 5 times a week.

I am getting to know myself better. I haven’t given myself a challenge for October; however, I kept up with the September challenge through October, and I do plan to implement a new challenge for November. I realize that for me, a break in between challenges will keep me motivated to want to give myself the next challenge. I do get bored easily, so if I did one every month, I would be over it quickly. One of my biggest takeaways is how much I need variety in many areas of my life as I get bored quickly. I need stimulation; however, too much stimulation makes me feel overwhelmed, and then I’m irritable and cranky. It’s really all about balance, finding the balance that works best for you!

My challenge for November is going to consist of:

  1. Walking outside at least 3-4 times a week.
  2. Eating healthy meals at least 3-4 times per week.
  3. Reading a chapter a day from the book ‘Behave‘ by Robert Sapolsky.
  4. Tidy the house with a 15 minute timer 5 times per week. It’s amazing what I can get done in 15 minutes.

I would love to hear about any personal challenges you are doing for yourself in the comments.