Family Bully Theory

Most of us are unfortunately exposed to dysfunction within our family, whether it’s the family we grew up with or our family of origin. These cycles of dysfunction begin somewhere and continue to repeat with each generation until someone decides to break the pattern. Breaking this cycle typically involves therapy, healing, and personal growth. However, when someone takes the initiative to establish a functional family system, they may face rejection or isolation from family members who opt to continue the dysfunctional patterns.

The family bullying theory can be defined as a conceptual framework stating that it constitutes a variant of domestic violence, which has the potential to manifest within the dynamics of marital partners, parents, children, and/or siblings. Bullying behavior materializes when an individual assumes a position of power and proceeds to degrade, abuse, and exert control over others. The primary objective of the bully is to establish dominance over family members by utilizing various tactics such as control, manipulation, vindictiveness, and the like.

Forms of Family Bullying: Bear in mind, that the abuser may use any or all of the following forms of abuse.

• Psychological torment – “This may consist of constant criticism for real or imagined infractions, usually of minor importance, consistently blaming the victim at any opportunity, and refusing to value and appreciate the individual. As well as including emotional and verbal abuse (to undermine self-esteem and confidence), intimidation, and humiliation. This type of abuse is perhaps the most damaging in the long term; it may lead to withdrawal, depression, antisocial behaviors, and the emotional abuse of others later in life” (Addington, et. al., 2022).
• Social abuse – “The bully will isolate the victim from socially interacting with friends and family. It may take the form of preventing the victim from leaving the home, forbidding phone use, verbally degrading the victim in front of others, not allowing contact with others or making the victim accountable for his/her whereabouts at all times. This can lead to fear of others and to psychological dependence upon the family bully” (Addington, et. al., 2022).
• Financial abuse – “The bully takes complete control of the finances—their own and the victim’s—in order to completely control the situation. This may include depriving the victim of money necessary for survival on a daily and long-term basis” (Addington, et. al., 2022).
• Sexual abuse – “This includes sexual assault, rape, and accusations of infidelity by the bully toward the victim. Long-term consequences may include sexual dysfunction in later life, domestic violence, crime, substance abuse, and suicide” (Addington, et. al., 2022).
• Physical abuse – ” The bully uses threats, assault resulting in injury, beatings with the hands or other objects, or any attempt to control, hurt, or intimidate the victim. Damage or destruction of property should also be included in this category. Child victims of physical abuse bear not only physical indicators of that abuse but emotional scarring as well. In many cases performance at school is affected adversely, language development may be impaired, and the child may have difficulty nurturing healthy relationships with peers” (Addington, et. al., 2022).
• Manipulation – The bully uses pitting family members against one another, the bully is able to keep everyone off balance, which gives the bully the control they continually seek. The bully derives satisfaction and even pleasure from starting arguments which leads to hostility and other forms of destructive behavior while at the same time doing their best to remove themselves from the conflict. Emotional manipulation—making people feel guilty about their actions, opinions, or beliefs—is employed as well. Elderly family members as well as the very young are quite vulnerable to this form of exploitation. Gossip spreading and innuendo about other members of the family by the bully is used as a form of harassment and control. This serves to undermine and isolate the bully’s intended victim(s). This also leads to an environment of hostility and distrust in which the bully may rise to the top in order to appear to be above reproach and the hero of the day” (Addington, et. al., 2022).

Characteristics of the family Bully: Family bullies often appear to the outer world as friendly, charming, and charismatic. They will project their shortcomings onto their victims. The projection allows them to avoid their own reality regarding themselves. The projection often manifests as blaming, criticizing, gossiping, slandering, and defaming the victim. The bully likes to keep the focus of the “bad person” off of themselves and is often the purveyor of “truth” for outing the victim, but in reality, they are blaming the victim for their own behavior. Other characteristics of the bully are listed below.

• Deceptive
• Charming
• Convincing
• Superficial
• Highly verbal
• Emotionally immature
• Untrustworthy
• Sexually immature
• Incapable of intimacy
• Prejudiced
• Compulsive
• Attention seeking
• Controlling
• Deceptive
• Vindictive
• Manipulative
• Aggressive
• Arrogant
• Tenuous
• Petty
• Selfish
• Self-absorbed
• Quick to misinterpret the actions or language of others – Reactive
• Highly defensive
• Given to extreme mood swings
• Unpredictable
• Masterful at lying and believable

Etiology of the Family Bully:

The majority of family bullies have a rough upbringing where their parents are strict, dominant, and use physical punishment. These parents are excessively controlling, and they shame and humiliate their children. This type of parenting can often lead to the development of bullies later in life. When parents display aggressive and abusive behavior towards each other, their children learn and imitate these behaviors, which they may continue to exhibit as they grow older. As a result, the negative cycle of dysfunctional behavior often extends beyond the family home, affecting areas such as school and friendships. This family environment can contribute to feelings of anxiety, depression, and possible antisocial behavior. Additionally, siblings from such an environment may also victimize each other.

Children who didn’t bond with their parents, are neglected, abused, or from a volatile and dysfunctional upbringing experience a great deal of stress due to the lack of predictability. On the opposite end of the spectrum, children who are raised in extremely permissive homes often resort to bullying tactics to gain a semblance of control and stability. Either way, the problems trickle into other areas of life, such as school, work, and their own families. This issue is very cyclic.

Many of the bullies in the family don’t understand or care about the feelings of the people they are hurting. The victims suffer from different types of pain such as physical, psychological, and emotional. The bullies use the effects of this pain to continue bullying the victims. The bullies have a strong desire to control and dominate other family members. This creates a very negative and harmful situation within the family.

Types of Families in the Bullying System:

The Brick Wall – This type of family system is concerned with order, control, obedience, and a hierarchy of power. This family dynamic teaches the children that one must navigate life through intimidation and must thwart control over “subordinates.” Physical violence and, threats are taught by modeling behavior that is the only way to interact with others.

The Jellyfish – This family system fails to provide structure and focus and operates within a laissez-faire environment. There are two types of families in the Jellyfish family.

• 1. The parents are focused on pleasing their children and fail in providing rules. The child is left to self-parent. This child has never been led and believes that they must work for what they want and if they do not get what they want, they may resort to bullying, possibly a sibling, parent, or others. In this family dynamic, the child becomes the bully.
• 2. In the second type of Jellyfish family, the parents are again focused on pleasing their children by assuming all responsibilities for their children. This environment results in raising “mama’s boys or girls,” which allows the child to be vulnerable to intimidation by other children and later adults. In this family system, the child is the victim in multiple areas of life and most likely grows up to continue to be victimized.

The Backbone – This family system allows for consistent control and an opportunity for discovery.  Children in this family dynamic learn through consistency in rules and appropriate punishment. The parents lead by example and empower their children by respecting themselves and others. This family dynamic holds open communication, empathy, and care for all family members. This type of family is the least likely to be bullied or bully others.

• 1. The parents are focused on pleasing their children and fail in providing rules. The child is left to self-parent. This child has never been led and believes that they must work for what they want and if they do not get what they want, they may resort to bullying, possibly a sibling, parent, or others. In this family dynamic, the child becomes the bully.
• 2. In the type of Jellyfish family, the parents are again focused on pleasing their children by assuming all responsibilities for their children. This environment results in raising “mama’s boys or girls,” which allows the child to be vulnerable to intimidation by other children and later adults. In this family system, the child is the victim in multiple areas of life and most likely grows up to continue to be victimized.

Effects of a Family Bullying System:

• The victim may fear that the aggression from the bully may escalate
• The victim may feel terror and incredibly vulnerable
• The victim may feel guilty for the abuse and for not stopping it
• The victim may grieve for the family they deserve and for personal losses
• The victim may have conflicting feelings toward parents or other family members
• The victim may fear abandonment, the unknown, or personal injury
• The victim may feel angry about the violence and chaos in their lives
• The victim is more likely to experience depression, anxiety, helplessness, and powerless
• The victim may feel shame and embarrassment about events and dynamics at home
• The victim often believes that they are responsible
• The victim may blame others for their own behavior
• Some victims may believe that it is acceptable to bully others to get what they want
• The victim doesn’t know how to ask for what they need or want
• The victim learns not to trust others
• The victim may have a very rigid belief about what it means to be a man, a woman, a husband, or a wife
• The victim may become an overachiever or underachiever
• The victim may refuse to go to school
• The victim often shows more concern for others than for self often becoming codependent
• The victim may become exceptionally aggressive or passive
• The victim may the bed or have nightmares
• The victim may become excessively attention-seeking or shy and withdrawn
• The victim may exhibit ‘‘out of control’’ behavior
• The victim may have turbulent relationships
• The victim is often reactive, having poor conflict resolution and anger management skills
• The victim may become excessively involved in social activities
• The victim may become passive or bully their peers
• The victims often become victimized again or victimize others in exploitative relationships either as perpetrators or victim
• The victims may exhibit playing with peers in an exceedingly rough manner
• The victim may experience headaches, stomachaches, etc.
• The victim may become anxious and have a short attention span
• The victim may exhibit being more tired or lethargic
• The victim may seem desensitized to pain
• The victim may engage in high-risk play and activities, abusing or mutilating themselves

For individuals who become the bully, studies show that they are six times more likely to commit violent crimes than those who are non-bullies. Moreover, children who bully often grow up to be bullies who provoke fear in their partners, children, coworkers, and the community at large. Research suggests that children by the age of seven years old, who exhibit this type of antisocial behavior, are perpetrators of domestic violence against their partners, and children, and often predict the tendency toward more serious legal offenses.

Adult victims of family bullies also may manifest such symptoms as:

• Clinical depression
• Anxiety
• Gastric problems
• Unspecified aches and pains
• Injury
• Loss of self-esteem
• Relationship problems
• Drug and alcohol abuse
• Suicide

Results of Bullying – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder:

It is common for the victims of bullying to show symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. This mental health disorder occurs as the victim is not able to escape the bullying or may not realize they can leave the situation.

The experiences of the victim will include humiliation, rejection, betrayal, emotional abuse, physical abuse, loss of control, and disempowerment. The victim will exhibit in tandem with other mental health struggles, such as depression, possible drug, and alcohol use, short-term memory loss, emotional numbness, and loss of concentration. It is also a common component for victims to be linked to job loss, crime, family disharmony, divorce, ineffective parenting, and the possible inability to nurture or sustain effective interpersonal relationships. The physical manifestations of victims often result in dizziness, headaches, digestive problems, angina, insomnia, and auto-immune disorders.

Traits of the Bully:

• A larger body build
• Antisocial personality disorder or sociopathy
• Lack of negative natural consequences or punishments

Others Involved:

In regard to the bully and victim dynamic, there are always “bystanders” who play their own role in the abuse. These bystanders are rarely innocent and contribute to perpetuating the abuse on the victim.

“Researchers have suggested that there are six different types of bystanders, all with a different dynamics” (Addington, et. al., 2022):

1. The bully rules through violence and intimidation.
2. Followers or henchmen are not initiators of the bullying, but they do nothing to stop it or help the victim.
3. Supporters enjoy observing the bullying but do not take part in it or help the victim.
4. Disengaged onlookers assert that the bullying of someone else is not their concern.
5. Possible defenders believe that the target of the bullying activity should be defended.
6. Defenders. Those unique individuals who actually attempt to help the victim of the bully (and his followers/henchmen). Although popular media may contradict the reality, in cases of bullying there exist few defenders.

Conclusion:

The bully in the family intends to humiliate and control the life of the victim. While bullying is complex, it saturates American society and extends from the family to other areas of our culture. The consequences of bullying primarily affect the victim as he or she experiences both short and long term consequences. The victim may experience psychological distress, mental and physical illnesses, interference in one’s ability to participate in school, low self-esteem, depression and the potential to become a victim of abuse by romantic partners, friends, adult children, and in the work place.

Bullying behavior is often overlooked and ignored in American society unless someone openly becomes a victim of physical or sexual abuse, or is murdered. The norms of our society must change to rid ourselves of this insidious and destructive behavior that destroys humans and who experience inflicts life long struggles.

Resource:

Addington, L. A., et al. (2022). Family Bullying. Website. http://criminal-justice.iresearchnet.com/crime/domestic-violence/family-bullying