I can’t tell you how many times during a therapy session I have said, love isn’t enough to make a marriage work. It’s sad, but it’s true. Love is necessary to bring two people together, however in the end it’s not enough to keep us together.
Marriage is like a business run by two equal partners. Each partner has an investment in the marriage. While the investments may be made of different valuable assets, all investments are equally important. If both partners don’t act as equals and respect each other as equals, it will be imbalanced. I’m not saying that everything will always be equally and perfectly balanced if we view and respect our partner as an equal, however it will help tremendously.
Some important facets in the business of marriage that must hold is commitment not only to each other and the marriage, but commitment to work through conflict, challenges, and to remain a united unit through everything. When we start turning on our partner or speaking ill of or disrespecting our partner to others, that’s when cracks in the foundation begin to appear.
Other imperative factors in the business of marriage is that both partners are equal in all decision making, which may include negotiation and compromise with each other. In addition, being equals in caring for the family, the finances, and the home.
There should always be a set of rules for the marriage and boundaries that include both partners. For example, not being alone with people of the opposite sex, not getting inebriated when the other is not present, complete transparency with cell phones and social media accounts, having each other’s passwords, considering your partner before making plans with or without them, traveling without your partner, etc.
Moreover, considerations should be made when dividing up the household chores and caring for children, budgeting, finances, and spending should all be decided together. One person should not be shouldering everything in one area or another unless that is what is openly agreed upon by both partners.
My husband and I have been happily married for over 20 years. The first five years were a little rough as we were both navigating our 2nd marriages and trying not to repeat mistakes of the past. Some things we did early on was set social boundaries and boundaries with our families, with the other parents of our children and with our children from previous marriage.
We created designated household chores and care for the children. We agreed on budgeting and finances. When we did run into conflict, we were able to communicate and have healthy conflict, so we were able to resolve the issues fairly quickly. If family members or ex’s tried to cause problems for us, we stood united and supported each other unconditionally.
We survived being a blended family, childhood trauma, previous relationship trauma, military deployment, extended family divisiveness, financial issues, completing our degrees together while working full time and raising a child together. We have a deep love, appreciation, affection, respect, and gratitude for each other.
When two people are willing to work together as equal, respectful partners in the business of marriage, it will be a success!
